The Queen Regains Control

It's all a matter of "Smile and carry a big stick.....or in this case a shank".

The next time I started the class from Hell, I took a new approach. I forgot you have to do that with kids, and these guys are after all stuck somewhere back there where you thought absolutely EVERYTHING was about you. Remember? It doesn't matter that some of them are 28 or 30 or 50. Emotionally, they're still 14 or 15. It's one of the reasons they're where they are. For the most part, they never learned that lesson about delayed gratification and not always looking for the easiest possible route.

Anyway, I waited until they all straggled in, signed in, and made their way to their desks. I stood in front of the room, exchanged NO pleasantries with them, responded to NO demands for paper, books, tests, and I didn't make a single attempt to get them directed or started. I just stood there with the most engaging and friendly expression I could muster. I think it was plain curiosity that finally made them focus on me and shush each other into compliance. What a golden moment! When it was finally so quiet you could hear a handcuff clink shut, I smiled, spoke in a voice that was quiet, tranquil, and laced with acid as I said,

"Please consider what I'm about to say very carefully. If you're incapable of maintaining even a modicum of self-restraint or you can't muster even the slightest inclination to learn something in the next three hours, please do us all a favor and leave now. Save yourself the humiliation of an OMR referral, and save me the indignation of shouting 'Shut-The-Hell-Up' to a roomful of adults. If you have any questions, save them. There is no room for discussion. Do I look like I'm negotiating?" (They haven't seen the movie of course!)

It worked like a charm. Total silence and cooperation ensued. A fair number of them were no doubt baffled by my bullshit, but there was no mistaking my intent. They didn't need to understand all the words. Besides, it throws them off balance when I use vocabulary they don't know. It was a moment of hard-earned and well-deserved power, and I enjoyed every nano-second of it. Maybe I understand an officer's need to exercise power and control a little better. Whatever. I have to say I liked exercising my Gestapo side for a bit.

I wonder sometimes if one of them ever turned on me, would I crumble and cry like a scared little girl, or would I go berserk and try to slap the shit out of him (and probably get myself a load of lumps and bruises or worse). And yet, I maintain, you couldn't drag me back into the public schools! What's wrong with me?

"SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!"

Okay, this would be me today. Not one of my more inspired teaching moments to say the least. You know, every individual class develops its own unique personality. I've known this since my first year of teaching. In a typical classroom, you expect to have a full range of abilities, 3 or 4 ADD (attention deficit disorder) kids, 2 or 3 BD's (behaviorially disordered), maybe 1 or 2 physically handicapped, a handful of whiners, a smattering of troublemakers, and if you're lucky a dozen or so students who are interested in learning something.

Granted, a classroom of 18 adult prison inmates isn't a typical situation. But I swear, my Monday/Wednesday flock has developed the unique personality of an ADD-BD-whining-troublemaker-who-says-whatever-the-hell-random-thought-pops-into-his-head-and-has-to pee-every-hour-on-the-hour. I'm not talking here about 1 or 2 students, I'm saying 15 of the 18 of them share these maladies. Of the other three, one is totally deaf, and the other two think they're both smarter than I am! I endure this group for 3 straight hours every Monday and Wednesday morning. And my Monday/Wednesday afternoon class is only marginally better. I leave the prison on those two days exhausted and longing for a double shot of something amber colored, really strong, straight out of a bottle.

I'm too old for this. THEY'RE too old for this. Even 6th graders understood when they'd pushed me to the edge. But not this group, no, they entertain themselves and each other by trying to be the funniest, the most outrageous, the grossest, the baddest one of the bunch. It's almost humiliating (or should be) to have to tell adults, "You need to sit down and get busy" or "I'm sorry. Am I interrupting your conversation with Mr. So-and-so?" or "Which part of GET-TO-WORK don't you understand?" All of which, led me to a dramatic, high volume, "SHUT THE HELL UP!!!"

Tonight, I'm tired. I've been worn down by drug-lovin' deadbeats. I yelled at a room full of criminals who outweigh me by 50 to 150 lbs. My favorite student is totally deaf. Tomorrow is only Thrusday. And for all of this, I rake in an extra $27 a month hazard pay.

I'm going to bed.

Huh?.....Stupidest Questions and Answers of the Week #1

Just a sampling of the questions I was asked or the answers I was given this past week.

1. Inmate #27350 (during an Algebra lesson):

"After I subtract, I don't got no more x's. Is that right?

Me:

"You mean you don't have any more x's?

Inmate #27350 (much disgusted):

"Geez! I thought this was Math, not English."


2. Me (during a Financial Literacy lesson):

"Now that you've made a budget, what factors could influence it?"

Inmate #37268:

"If my wife or my girlfriend quits sending me money."


3. Me (again, during a Financial Literacy lesson):

"Who should carry Disability insurance?"

Inmate #41023:

"People with disabilities."


4. Me:

"Mr. Smith, it's obvious to me you and Mr. Jones cheated on this test!"

Inmate #37592:

"I'm sorry I gave him the answers, but I'm trying to do what ConQuest says and be a more caring and sharing person."


5. Inmate #37592 (much later that day):

"I know I'm gonna get suspended, but can you just wait until after I finish the 1.5 credits I need to graduate?"


6. Inmate #15083:

"Is that a picture of your weiner dog?"

Me: (frustrated and tired of answering stupid questions)

"No, Mr. Brown, that's a picture of my great dane."

Inmate #15083:

"Oh......hmmmm......, it looks like a weiner dog."


7. Me: (during an Algebra lesson)

"Any questions about the Order of Operations?"

Inmate #39871:

"I'm not doin' Algebra witchall. I'm workin' on Health. What's coitus interuptus?"


8. Inmate #40036:

"I need to pass gas, and out of consideration for my fellow students, I'd like to go out in the hall to do it. That okay?"


9. Inmate #36015:

"How do you spell copacetic?"

Me: (a bit surprised he even knows the word)

"Interesting. How are you using it?"

Inmate #36015:

"Like in 'When I get out, let's you and me copacetic.' "

Me:

"It doesn't matter how you spell it."


10. Inmate #41029 (during a Financial Literacy: Investing lesson):

"I don't really need any of this. On the outside, I'm a stock broker."

Me:

"And yet, here you sit in my High School class. How does that happen?"


I'm tellin' ya.....I don't get paid enough!!!