CRIMINAL COUNTDOWNS

People in the real world countdown the number of days until Christmas.

Prisoners countdown the number of Christmases until Parole.

But that doesn't stop them from making the best of the season. Inmates can be extremely resourceful when they have limited supplies at their disposal. Let me give you a couple of examples:

1. This is a picture of a Christmas card given to me by one of my inmate-students. He's about 45 years old, has virtually NO sense of humor, tends to get angry with ME when HE doesn't understand something, and doesn't work and play well with others. The inside of the card carries a Biblical verse, a wish for a Merry Christmas, and a personal message of thanks for what I do.

To say I was surprised to receive it would be an understatement. He waited until no other students were around before presenting it. They apparently have to be careful about showing their "soft" sides, lest they be seen as weak and tender-hearted. (Where do guys get these misguided notions?) Of course, a Christmas hug should be out of the question, but I did it anyway. I am, after all, a nurturer and a sucker for anyone who appreciates what I try to do. (I will say, however, that I was careful about limiting boob contact! Can't take too many chances, don't ya know!)

He made the card by drawing the picture on the front and then melting down Jolly Ranchers to use as paint. It gives a raised, slightly sticky feel to the image and creates a sheen that makes you want to slant the card to catch the light. Resourcesful, no?

2. Now here's the other, less delectable, result of their resourcefulness. This one even has a fairly good "Eeewweeeeh" factor to it. 'Tis the season for a little bubbly, and when you're incarcerated you have to get creative.

So they designate one guy's toilet as a non-flusher, beginning about mid-November. This guy has to become poop-buddies with a neighbor -- apparently not an issue for some. Then everyone saves their fruit cocktail from meals. This is easy because all meals are now served in their individual cells. (This practice eliminates the infamous culinary brawls you see in the movies.) Anyway, this toilet full of fruit eventually begins to ferment, and Voila! you have the beginnings of homemade Yuletide hooch!

You have to stop now and give free rein to your imagination as it tries to picture the night (or more likely the afternoon) of harvest. Do they all gather around the commode and ceremoniously dip in? Do they congenially toast one another as they raise their plastic cups of porcelain perfection? Do they get tipsy? Over toilet bowl aperitifs? Do you think some social-climbing newbie thinks, "Wow this is great! Next year I want to host a soiree in MY shitter!"

And, by the way, what DO you say on the last day of school as you're waiting for the iron bars of the slider to activate, thereby making possible your daily escape, and an inmate who you know is facing a 12-year minimum says, in all sincerity, "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!"